Have you ever had someone come to you in distress; crying, maybe shut down, in pain, or even disassociated, and you wanted badly wanted to help but didn’t know how? Unless you’re a trained therapist (and even sometimes then) there will be times when you are called upon to be the salve on someone’s wound, but feel ill-equipped to offer what is needed. 

Although it can be challenging to be present in the right way for those we love, it’s not impossible.  Two simple skills; good listening and cognitive reframing can make you a reliable support system if you’re able to tolerate your discomfort well enough to practice them.

It’s no secret that the world is short on good listeners, and long on people who need to be heard. Listening is misunderstood, rarely taught, and always important. I consider it the first aid of relationships. Here is a simple, step-by-step guide to excellent listening:

1. Slow down and get out of your head. Focus entirely on what is happening for the person speaking to you. More than just their words, pay attention to their body language, tone of voice, and general energy or mood. You are just an observer. You don’t have to put any pressure on yourself to be more than that. 
2. Hold off on forming opinions or giving advice. Instead ask gentle, emotion-oriented questions like: “How did it feel when that happened?” Or “That must have brought up some major emotions for you. What were they?” … even if the answer seems obvious. 
3. Reflect emotion. Articulate whatever emotion you detect in their answer or from any other observation that you make. Examples: “That sounds really scary.” “That must have made you so sad.” “Is anger a part of this for you?” When you hit the right emotion, you will see the other person’s body language soften and/or hear their speech slow.
4. Keep yourself out of it! No “I” statements. This is a mistake a lot of people make. They believe that by sharing a similar experience of their own they are showing empathy— which can be true— but which most often makes the other person feel like the focus has shifted off of them.
5. Be patient and repeat as long as necessary. You will eventually notice the overall intensity of emotion in the person you are listening to die down. They are beginning to return to a state of homeostasis, or rather, their nervous system is becoming more regulated. If things stop there, you will have given them a tremendous gift even if they are no closer to a resolution of any kind. 

Once you sense the storm has abated, and if you think the other person is feeling strong or balanced enough to move one step further, you might try two basic questions that will help them examine their experience more deeply. 

1. What do you wish you had done?

This helps people express their unspoken desires, something we tend to suppress, and which can get us stuck energetically.

2. What do you wish you could do?

This helps people begin to problem solve on their own with zero direction on our part. That is important because the minute we try to offer helpful guidance we are once again in our ego, and the conversation shifts to our thoughts, feelings, and beliefs, rather than those of the person to whom we are listening. 

Both of these questions fall under the category of cognitive reframing (a cornerstone of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or C.B.T.) in that they create opportunities for those who consider them to explore different perspectives and outcomes to whatever is troubling them, and expand their understanding of their own experience. 

The more we offer this style of listening and support to the people we love, the more proficient we become at it. It benefits us as well, in that it builds our inner resilience and belief that we can put our own needs temporarily aside and be a great partner and friend. We come to see ourselves, in time, as the kind of person who is a safe port. Also, as this side of ourselves grows it starts to become second nature, and it feels more and more natural to hold space for others. Eventually, it might even become a superpower!

If this feels too hard, scary, or too awkward to try, or you have difficulty regulating your own emotions when others are upset, you can always do what we therapists do and “refer out”. We find someone else who can help in a professional capacity when we are invested in the well-being of a person we don’t believe we are suited to support. That can be a profound act of loving kindness in itself. Either way, positioning ourselves as helper people brings a lot of good into the world, and that will let everyone sleep easier at night.