It can happen to anyone. Being ensnared in an abusive relationship isn’t something reserved for the weak, the foolish, or the unintelligent. Abusers are highly skilled at grooming their victims—at keeping them trapped, isolated, and at dismantling their selfesteem and their connection to the truth. Some of the most wonderful, bright people I know have been there. I have been there.

And it is the very nature of the abusive dynamic that can make it feel impossible to support victims. You may feel as if a victim is lost to you, like there is no way in and nothing you can do. But you can keep the door open, no matter how bad things get. Some of the following ideas come from my work as a therapist specializing in helping clients survive narcissistic abuse, and some come from my own experience with a narcissistic abuser. Among them, I believe you will find a roadmap to loving someone through their abuse.

First, it’s important to understand why people stay in such terrible relationships when it seems obvious that they’d be better off alone. I say this especially loudly for those who wonder, “Why doesn’t she/he just leave?” Some of the most common reasons are financial dependence, housing instability, and concerns about safety.

But even more compelling than logistical concerns, people often feel trapped by what is now being called a trauma bond. A trauma bond is “a deep emotional attachment between an abused person and their abuser. It is formed by a recurring cycle of abuse and positive reinforcement. The abused person may develop sympathy or affection for the abuser, or feel unable to leave the relationship.” – Patrick Carnes

Before we had the term “trauma bond”, however, psychologists called this phenomenon Stockholm Syndrome. It’s hard to convey how powerful this experience is for victims. The attachment they feel to their abusers is fueled by shame (at what they’ve allowed), hope (that their abuser will change), exhaustion (it’s just easier to comply), fear (of giving up hope that things could get better), and an eroded sense of self and perception of reality (thanks to intense and relentless gaslighting, punishment, and breadcrumbing).

So, if you know—or suspect—that someone you love is in an abusive relationship, what can you do?

Be patient.

Whether this person articulates it to you or not (and they most probably won’t), they know something is terribly wrong. They often don’t admit the truth because they fear being forced to act before they’re ready. They may worry about being judged, not being believed, or not being able to explain what’s happening. But they know.

Let them come into that knowing at their own pace. You can ask gentle questions or make supportive statements that invite reflection, such as:

• “You seem drained a lot of the time lately. Is there anything I can do to support you?”
• “You deserve everything good in the world. What’s the best thing someone could do for you right now?”
• “I see you working so hard just to keep your head above water. Do you ever wonder if that could change?”

Even if your comments are shut down or met with silence, you are planting seeds. And those seeds may one day take root. Pushing too hard will only get you pushed out.

Be prepared.

When a victim decides it’s time to leave, it’s often sudden. It may be the middle of the night. Police may be involved. The abuser may become threatening or dangerous. If you can open your home, do so. Don’t ask many questions beyond, “How can I help?” There will be time to talk it through later. Consider ahead of time what you’re able and willing to do in an emergency, and organize yourself accordingly.

Educate yourself.

Victims of narcissistic abuse are having an experience for which you (hopefully) have no personal reference point. If so, read books, listen to podcasts, and watch videos. My favorite book on the subject is Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. In it, Bancroft offers in-depth insight into the relational dynamics of abuse based on real clients she has worked with, and it’s an eye-opener.

Be hopeful.

It’s easy to believe that our loved one will never “wake up.” This can understandably lead to frustration and even anger, especially when we watch a life being systematically dismantled. It can also feel like our loved one is choosing their abuser over us, leaving us feeling abandoned and hurt.

But I view people caught in this cycle the same way I think about those suffering from a chronic illness. Blame doesn’t help. Compassion does. And in my experience, the vast majority of victims do eventually choose to leave—even if it takes years.

Even if they don’t, don’t forget: the person you love is still alive and well somewhere inside them. You may need to set strong boundaries to protect yourself from being harmed or exploited as well—but you never need to give up hope. Holding onto it is an act of love and courage.

Loving someone through abuse is not for the faint of heart. It’s easy to succumb to anger and hopelessness, or to back away because “nothing is getting through anyway.”

But I can say from personal experience: even at my lowest point—when I couldn’t respond with love or kindness to those who were trying so desperately to help—knowing they were trying and would be there when I was ready is what ultimately gave me the strength to escape.

That was over 25 years ago. And the life they helped me salvage is beyond my wildest dreams.

If you’ve made it to the end of this article, I believe you care deeply about whoever you’re reading it for. Don’t be afraid to seek support yourself if you need to. Abuse is toxic and spreads outwards—it poisons everything in its path. A good therapist can be a game changer if you are caught, even just by association, in its trajectory.

Even if your comments are shut down or met with silence, you are planting seeds. And those seeds may one day take root. Pushing too hard will only get you pushed out.

Be prepared.

When a victim decides it’s time to leave, it’s often sudden. It may be the middle of the night. Police may be involved. The abuser may become threatening or dangerous. If you can open your home, do so. Don’t ask many questions beyond, “How can I help?” There will be time to talk it through later. Consider ahead of time what you’re able and willing to do in an emergency, and organize yourself accordingly.

Educate yourself.

Victims of narcissistic abuse are having an experience for which you (hopefully) have no personal reference point. If so, read books, listen to podcasts, and watch videos. My favorite book on the subject is Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. In it, Bancroft offers in-depth insight into the relational dynamics of abuse based on real clients she has worked with, and it’s an eye-opener.

Be hopeful.

It’s easy to believe that our loved one will never “wake up.” This can understandably lead to frustration and even anger, especially when we watch a life being systematically dismantled. It can also feel like our loved one is choosing their abuser over us, leaving us feeling abandoned and hurt.

But I view people caught in this cycle the same way I think about those suffering from a chronic illness. Blame doesn’t help. Compassion does. And in my experience, the vast majority of victims do eventually choose to leave—even if it takes years.

Even if they don’t, don’t forget: the person you love is still alive and well somewhere inside them. You may need to set strong boundaries to protect yourself from being harmed or exploited as well—but you never need to give up hope. Holding onto it is an act of love and courage.

Loving someone through abuse is not for the faint of heart. It’s easy to succumb to anger and hopelessness, or to back away because “nothing is getting through anyway.”

But I can say from personal experience: even at my lowest point—when I couldn’t respond with love or kindness to those who were trying so desperately to help—knowing they were trying and would be there when I was ready is what ultimately gave me the strength to escape.

That was over 25 years ago. And the life they helped me salvage is beyond my wildest dreams.

If you’ve made it to the end of this article, I believe you care deeply about whoever you’re reading it for. Don’t be afraid to seek support yourself if you need to. Abuse is toxic and spreads outwards—it poisons everything in its path. A good therapist can be a game changer if you are caught, even just by association, in its trajectory.