It seems you can’t listen to a podcast, read a book, or go on social media these days without hearing the word narcissist. And people aren’t just talking about narcissists—narcissistic characters are commonly found in TV shows and movies, in both fiction and nonfiction literature, and, well, in politics and even religion. Have there always been so many narcissists around? Or has our awareness of them simply expanded? And why do we seem to find them so fascinating and compelling, even when they are clearly not safe or healthy people to be around?

Before I go further, a word about nuance and degree: not all narcissists are created equal. Narcissism exists on a spectrum. On the low end is the healthy narcissism we all share as members of the human race. On the high end, we find malignant narcissism and sociopathy, which occur in severely disordered individuals. In the middle, we have a whole group of people who, while possibly not meeting the criteria for a personality disorder, are still oriented in a way that makes relationships with them difficult, unfulfilling, or even traumatizing. To learn more about the types and degrees of narcissism and how to assess them, read here: Psychology Today article.

For our purposes, we’ll define what I call “Problematic Narcissists” as people who lack empathy, have a victim mentality, believe they are underestimated and misunderstood, and are primarily looking out for number one. While some people enter relationships seeking to connect, narcissists enter relationships to get something.

These are also the kind of people who, if there’s only one spot left on a life raft, will not hesitate to throw over the person next to them to get on. Not only that—they’ll make a stink about how unfair it is that everyone is making them feel bad for doing so, how anyone else would’ve done the same (or worse!), and how the life raft manufacturer is the one truly to blame.

Despite all of that, everyone seems to love narcissists! We marry them, have kids with them, vote for them, and idolize them. Why? And what does that say about us?

I can already hear folks in the peanut gallery accusing me of pushing an us vs. them narrative here—which I can’t deny. While it may not be the most charitable framework for discussing narcissism, I believe the differences between those who can deeply empathize and those who can’t make us akin to two separate species—or at least two groups of people whose priorities are so fundamentally different, they might as well be.

Narcissists are good at getting what they want. Whether they do it covertly or overtly, they’re all chasing the same things: admiration, attention, control, power, validation of their self-image, loyalty (but not mutual), and the avoidance of shame. Notice what’s missing from that list: self-awareness, loving relationships, and promoting the greater good.

To get what they want, they play a lot of games. There’s the charisma game (honestly, if we could strip narcissists of this one annoyingly predominant trait, we’d get into far less trouble with them), the blame game, and the gaslighting game, to name a few. When we meet narcissists, we’re blown away by their apparent ability to understand us, by their ambition, and by their seemingly unshakable self-confidence. They feel larger than life. It’s intoxicating—especially when compared to the average person, who’s often riddled with self-doubt and insecurity.

At some point, though, the mask slips—but only after we’re thoroughly confused about who we’re dealing with. We remember the incredible feeling of being in the orbit of someone we thought was extraordinary, but who now tramples us on a whim. Every now and then, that original person seems to reappear—just long enough to keep us hooked—before vanishing again. Eventually, we realize that we are merely a source of supply to them—of money, of free labor, of sex, of good optics, of social or career opportunity. But by then, we might already be trapped in their web, paralyzed by self-doubt and logistical entanglements.

So, how do we stop getting caught up in the narcissistic con game and protect ourselves from those who have irrevocably embedded themselves in our lives? It’s all about knowing who we are. I’ve admittedly spent much of this article examining narcissists—and that’s exactly what they want. Everything is A-OK in their world if the attention is on them—whether positive or negative. The first step toward getting out of their grip is to focus on ourselves.

Another word getting lots of airtime lately is decentering—usually used to reference decentering men from women’s lives—but I love it in this context. We can decenter narcissists in favor of centering ourselves. To do that, we must make an active choice to accept that they will not change, and that we already have all the information we need about who they are. We must accept that we will never win an argument with them, they will never truly understand or care where we’re coming from (though they may appear to from time to time, to manipulate us), and they will never put our best interests ahead of their own. Never. Once we fully admit this truth, things start to get a lot easier.

Then it’s time to turn inward. We can ask ourselves: What is important to me? It’s time to define our own value system and choose behaviors and relationships that align with it.

You can still do this even if you can’t fully escape a narcissist—if you have to co-parent with one, for example, or work with one. Anything they do can be met with indifference—you no longer need to react. Reactivity is interpreted as opportunity by a narcissist. It shows them they still have the ability to control you. I don’t usually recommend stuffing feelings down, but in this case, I wholeheartedly do—at least until you can get to an empty room or a therapist’s office with a big old pillow to scream into.

Develop an internal dialogue that prioritizes your own voice. Spend time alone, away from screens (in nature, ideally), or find a therapist who can help you tune out the narcissistic brainwashing you’ve endured and tune back into your authentic self. Believe me—she’s still in there, and she wants to be heard.

Reconnect with friends and family from whom you may have become emotionally or physically distant as a result of your narcissistic relationship. They miss you and will most often welcome you back. In my experience, this is a joyful reunion. While they may not fully understand your choices or why you distanced yourself, they’ll be relieved to see you doing something different—and they’ll support you in that.

Remember: this didn’t happen because of you. Narcissists are always looking for targets—you just happened to be around. You don’t magically attract them, and you can have relationships with healthy people that look and feel completely different. Now that you know what they’re all about, you’re far better equipped to avoid them.

I don’t know whether the predominance of narcissists today is a reflection of our current culture or basic human nature. I don’t know if, as some scholars suggest, they exist as an evolutionary adaptation to “cull the herd,” or if they’re simply an expression of the darker side of humanity. And while those questions are important, I don’t need the answers to live my life among narcissists—but not be preyed upon by them. And neither do you.

The task at hand is to know oneself—and in so doing, find the peace and freedom we crave and deserve. I leave you with these final communication tips for dealing with narcissistic people… You’ve got this!

• Stay on topic. Don’t let them change the subject.
• Don’t engage in circular arguments. Say your piece and walk away.
• Refuse to defend yourself over nonsense.
• Set boundaries. If someone refuses to have a real conversation, end it.

So, how do we stop getting caught up in the narcissistic con game and protect ourselves from those who have irrevocably embedded themselves in our lives? It’s all about knowing who we are. I’ve admittedly spent much of this article examining narcissists—and that’s exactly what they want. Everything is A-OK in their world if the attention is on them—whether positive or negative. The first step toward getting out of their grip is to focus on ourselves.

Another word getting lots of airtime lately is decentering—usually used to reference decentering men from women’s lives—but I love it in this context. We can decenter narcissists in favor of centering ourselves. To do that, we must make an active choice to accept that they will not change, and that we already have all the information we need about who they are. We must accept that we will never win an argument with them, they will never truly understand or care where we’re coming from (though they may appear to from time to time, to manipulate us), and they will never put our best interests ahead of their own. Never. Once we fully admit this truth, things start to get a lot easier.

Then it’s time to turn inward. We can ask ourselves: What is important to me? It’s time to define our own value system and choose behaviors and relationships that align with it.

You can still do this even if you can’t fully escape a narcissist—if you have to co-parent with one, for example, or work with one. Anything they do can be met with indifference—you no longer need to react. Reactivity is interpreted as opportunity by a narcissist. It shows them they still have the ability to control you. I don’t usually recommend stuffing feelings down, but in this case, I wholeheartedly do—at least until you can get to an empty room or a therapist’s office with a big old pillow to scream into.

Develop an internal dialogue that prioritizes your own voice. Spend time alone, away from screens (in nature, ideally), or find a therapist who can help you tune out the narcissistic brainwashing you’ve endured and tune back into your authentic self. Believe me—she’s still in there, and she wants to be heard.

Reconnect with friends and family from whom you may have become emotionally or physically distant as a result of your narcissistic relationship. They miss you and will most often welcome you back. In my experience, this is a joyful reunion. While they may not fully understand your choices or why you distanced yourself, they’ll be relieved to see you doing something different—and they’ll support you in that.

Remember: this didn’t happen because of you. Narcissists are always looking for targets—you just happened to be around. You don’t magically attract them, and you can have relationships with healthy people that look and feel completely different. Now that you know what they’re all about, you’re far better equipped to avoid them.

I don’t know whether the predominance of narcissists today is a reflection of our current culture or basic human nature. I don’t know if, as some scholars suggest, they exist as an evolutionary adaptation to “cull the herd,” or if they’re simply an expression of the darker side of humanity. And while those questions are important, I don’t need the answers to live my life among narcissists—but not be preyed upon by them. And neither do you.

The task at hand is to know oneself—and in so doing, find the peace and freedom we crave and deserve. I leave you with these final communication tips for dealing with narcissistic people… You’ve got this!

• Stay on topic. Don’t let them change the subject.
• Don’t engage in circular arguments. Say your piece and walk away.
• Refuse to defend yourself over nonsense.
• Set boundaries. If someone refuses to have a real conversation, end it.