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My only sibling died by suicide nine years ago. It still feels unreal to say those words about my brother, Scott. He was 21 at the time, and I was in a complete fog for at least three months after losing him.
I remember someone saying to me that my pain wouldn’t ever go away, but that it would get less intense. The sharp edges of that pain would begin to dull, and I would learn how to exist in a new normal, they said. They also explained that you don’t move on from grief, but you do move forward. I liked this, because the phrase moving on seemed laughably impossible.
I will also admit that for about three years, I wasn’t sure if I believed them about the pain getting less intense. Until one day, as the anniversary of Scott’s death was approaching, I noticed that I was feeling lighter—not missing him any less, but able to breathe a bit easier and move through my days in a different way than the years prior.
I’ve learned that many of the feelings resulting from loss are not as permanent as they feel at first. Our brains are able to adapt and rediscover joy. We are inherently resilient. I hesitate sharing this with others because three years might seem impossibly long to feel this way—or impossibly quick to feel any differently. But when I heard this from someone who had also experienced the loss of a family member at a young age, it gave me a sense of hope that I desperately needed. I’d love to offer that same hope to others.
I’ve been surrounded by people who have experienced significant loss more than most, due to my volunteer work at Experience Camps—a one-week overnight camp program for kids who have experienced the death of an immediate family member—and because I went back to school to become a grief counselor. I’ve learned so much through these experiences.
I’ve learned that grief is not a linear experience, and it is not a pathology. There is no right or wrong way to feel or behave. Everyone grieves differently and on their own timeline, and that’s okay.
I’ve also learned that many of life’s experiences involve feelings on both ends of the emotional spectrum—pangs of grief alongside moments of happiness.
Over time, I’ve also learned that our connection to those we’ve lost does not end with death. Your story continues, as does the one you share with your person. It simply shifts and evolves.
If you’re in need of talking with someone who speaks grief, individual or group therapy can be a powerful place to start. I believe it saved my life.
My only sibling died by suicide nine years ago. It still feels unreal to say those words about my brother, Scott. He was 21 at the time, and I was in a complete fog for at least three months after losing him.
I remember someone saying to me that my pain wouldn’t ever go away, but that it would get less intense. The sharp edges of that pain would begin to dull, and I would learn how to exist in a new normal, they said. They also explained that you don’t move on from grief, but you do move forward. I liked this, because the phrase moving on seemed laughably impossible.
I will also admit that for about three years, I wasn’t sure if I believed them about the pain getting less intense. Until one day, as the anniversary of Scott’s death was approaching, I noticed that I was feeling lighter—not missing him any less, but able to breathe a bit easier and move through my days in a different way than the years prior.
I’ve learned that many of the feelings resulting from loss are not as permanent as they feel at first. Our brains are able to adapt and rediscover joy. We are inherently resilient. I hesitate sharing this with others because three years might seem impossibly long to feel this way—or impossibly quick to feel any differently. But when I heard this from someone who had also experienced the loss of a family
member at a young age, it gave me a sense of hope that I desperately needed. I’d love to offer that same hope to others.
I’ve been surrounded by people who have experienced significant loss more than most, due to my volunteer work at Experience Camps—a one-week overnight camp program for kids who have experienced the death of an immediate family member—and because I went back to school to become a grief counselor. I’ve learned so much through these experiences.
I’ve learned that grief is not a linear experience, and it is not a pathology. There is no right or wrong way to feel or behave. Everyone grieves differently and on their own timeline, and that’s okay.
I’ve also learned that many of life’s experiences involve feelings on both ends of the emotional spectrum—pangs of grief alongside moments of happiness.
Over time, I’ve also learned that our connection to those we’ve lost does not end with death. Your story continues, as does the one you share with your person. It simply shifts and evolves.
If you’re in need of talking with someone who speaks grief, individual or group therapy can be a powerful place to start. I believe it saved my life.
Written by Ali Charnov
Note: AI is not used in the writing of any article by this author.
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Erica has an uncanny knack for understanding what you might be dealing with in your life. Furthermore, she has an even more uncanny knack for helping you figure out how you might amend your thinking and your actions. She doesn't do the work for you and she expects you to be fully invested in your own work. She is forthright but at the same time empathetic, calm and compassionate. I have known Erica for a long time. She brings a lot of life experience and wisdom to her practice. She can help you in your search for positive change to benefit how you live your life well.