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Many years ago, in my 20s, I was in an abusive relationship—but it never would have occurred to me to call it that because my abuser never laid a hand on me.
Many years ago, in my 20s, I was in an abusive relationship—but it never would have occurred to me to call it that because my abuser never laid a hand on me.
These are some of the experiences I’ve had, and that I’ve observed my clients, who are in emotionally abusive relationships, having:
1. You are in a state of near-constant confusion, upset, and questioning regarding your relationship.
As I mentioned, victims in emotionally abusive relationships have a seemingly infinite capacity for explaining away bad behavior. These mental gymnastics have them continually looking for explanations and excuses for their partner’s choices, and wondering if they themselves are missing something, are stupid, or are actually insane.
2. You are an empath.
If you readily empathize with other people’s emotions and points of view, you are likely some level of empath. Abusers most often choose empaths as their partner for a few reasons: they can be easy to manipulate because they want everyone to feel okay, they see all sides of a story and can therefore be convinced that theirs is not necessarily valid, and they do the emotional heavy lifting. (Abusers are often not able to feel and process their own emotions appropriately, and require someone else to do that work for them.)
3. Your partner has narcissistic traits.
If your partner’s go-to interpersonal style when he is stressed is anger, criticism, and blame, you are likely dealing with a narcissist.
Narcissists are convinced that everything is somebody else’s fault, and they specialize in holding grudges and keeping score to prove it. They also believe they are gifted in some way, generally intellectually, and will insist that they know more and are smarter than those around them.
4. Arguments with your partner go global and can take hours or even days to resolve.
It starts out with the most insignificant thing, and suddenly you find yourself in the middle of World War III. You are helpless to shut it down, even though you try absolutely everything: speaking reasonably, apologizing, promising never to do whatever it was again, fighting back. You find yourself saying whatever it takes just to make it stop, and inevitably providing your partner with more ammunition to use against you the next time.
5. You often worry about saying and doing the wrong thing and setting your partner off.
Because the fights are so bad, you invest considerable time in trying to keep them from happening in the first place. These efforts are always foiled, however, as no matter how hard you try, your partner finds something to be pissed off about.
If you find yourself reading this and nodding your head, welcome to the club. It’s not a membership anyone wants, but if you’re going to be here, it’s better to be aware of it. Now you have some things to think about.
Can life be better than this?
What is the payoff for staying in this relationship?
What can I do to make some real changes?
Who might support me during this process?
Do I need professional help?
Only you can save yourself, and it takes tremendous courage and resolve to do so. But if you can survive emotional abuse, I’m willing to bet you’re strong enough to survive just about anything.
So many wonderful things await you on the other side.
Many years ago, in my 20s, I was in an abusive relationship—but it never would have occurred to me to call it that because my abuser never laid a hand on me.
Many years ago, in my 20s, I was in an abusive relationship—but it never would have occurred to me to call it that because my abuser never laid a hand on me.
These are some of the experiences I’ve had, and that I’ve observed my clients, who are in emotionally abusive relationships, having:
1. You are in a state of near-constant confusion, upset, and questioning regarding your relationship.
As I mentioned, victims in emotionally abusive relationships have a seemingly infinite capacity for explaining away bad behavior. These mental gymnastics have them continually looking for explanations and excuses for their partner’s choices, and wondering if they themselves are missing something, are stupid, or are actually insane.
2. You are an empath.
If you readily empathize with other people’s emotions and points of view, you are likely some level of empath. Abusers most often choose empaths as their partner for a few reasons: they can be easy to manipulate because they want everyone to feel okay, they see all sides of a story and can therefore be convinced that theirs is not necessarily valid, and they do the emotional heavy lifting. (Abusers are often not able to feel and process their own emotions appropriately, and require someone else to do that work for them.)
3. Your partner has narcissistic traits.
If your partner’s go-to interpersonal style when he is stressed is anger, criticism, and blame, you are likely dealing with a narcissist.
Narcissists are convinced that everything is somebody else’s fault, and they specialize in holding grudges and keeping score to prove it. They also believe they are gifted in some way, generally intellectually, and will insist that they know more and are smarter than those around them.
4. Arguments with your partner go global and can take hours or even days to resolve.
It starts out with the most insignificant thing, and suddenly you find yourself in the middle of World War III. You are helpless to shut it down, even though you try absolutely everything: speaking reasonably, apologizing, promising never to do whatever it was again, fighting back. You find yourself saying whatever it takes just to make it stop, and inevitably providing your partner with more ammunition to use against you the next time.
5. You often worry about saying and doing the wrong thing and setting your partner off.
Because the fights are so bad, you invest considerable time in trying to keep them from happening in the first place. These efforts are always foiled, however, as no matter how hard you try, your partner finds something to be pissed off about.
If you find yourself reading this and nodding your head, welcome to the club. It’s not a membership anyone wants, but if you’re going to be here, it’s better to be aware of it. Now you have some things to think about.
Can life be better than this?
What is the payoff for staying in this relationship?
What can I do to make some real changes?
Who might support me during this process?
Do I need professional help?
Only you can save yourself, and it takes tremendous courage and resolve to do so. But if you can survive emotional abuse, I’m willing to bet you’re strong enough to survive just about anything.
So many wonderful things await you on the other side.
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Erica has an uncanny knack for understanding what you might be dealing with in your life. Furthermore, she has an even more uncanny knack for helping you figure out how you might amend your thinking and your actions. She doesn't do the work for you and she expects you to be fully invested in your own work. She is forthright but at the same time empathetic, calm and compassionate. I have known Erica for a long time. She brings a lot of life experience and wisdom to her practice. She can help you in your search for positive change to benefit how you live your life well.