Why is it that there are so few “happy” marriages or partnerships in the world? In this age of information, improved mental health care, and access to all kinds of great resources, it seems like terrible relationships would be the exception, not the rule. Yet, anecdotally, as well as within my experience as a mental health professional, functional, peaceful, fulfilling relationships remain the unicorn of human experience.

One theory is that there are so many unhealthy relationships around that few of us have had much, if any exposure to healthy ones, and have little idea what they would actually look or feel like. Because of this lack of example, people tend to settle for less, not realizing that true relational happiness is a possibility, despite our (and other people’s) shortcomings, trauma, and self-limiting beliefs.

The first step to opening the door to healthy relationships is to understand what isn’t healthy and to have some way to gauge whether our relational problems are workable, or if they are so toxic, we need to start thinking about an exit plan. As a therapist who has watched countless clients seek to quantify the value of their relationships and decide whether or not they should remain within them, as well as a woman who has had not only a wildly unhealthy first marriage but what I consider to be a pretty darn healthy second one, I’ve developed some questions we might ask ourselves if we’re in doubt.

Below is some grist for the mill, in the hopes that you can begin to sort out the answer to this important question: should I stay or should I go?

Ask yourself:

• Do I spend an inordinate amount of time replaying conversations between my partner and me and imagine coming up with better and more ironclad ways to express myself or “win” arguments?

• When in the middle of a conversation, do I constantly feel as if I am in a defensive or attack mode?

• Do I experience a huge sense of relief when my partner leaves me alone unless he/she does so after a period of stonewalling or destabilization, in which case I may feel overwhelming anxiety?

• Do I find myself reluctant to share the details of my relationship with friends and family because they “wouldn’t understand”, or they might be judgmental or vocalize the things I already know but can’t bear to admit, or because I might get in trouble or be punished by my partner if I do?

• Do I feel like I’m always “walking on eggshells”, afraid that if I say “one wrong thing” there will be an enormous price to pay, but never knowing what that “one wrong thing” might be?

• Do I get lost in circular arguments about the same subjects over and over again, at the end of which I feel drained, frustrated, or even hopeless?

• Do I sometimes question my own reality during or after interactions with my partner?

• Am I often told or is it implied that I am selfish, unintelligent, or incompetent?

• Are holidays, birthdays, and other special events often ruined by the behavior of my partner or would they be if I did not carefully manage them?

• Am I made to feel as if my basic needs for connection and communication with my partner or my family and friends, or even for things like transportation, clothing, or food are burdensome or inappropriate?

• Do I feel trapped financially or by other circumstances/responsibilities such as children or aging parents? If I didn’t feel that way, would I still be with the person I am with?

• Can I observe a cycle during which things are comparatively good with my partner until something inevitably happens to disrupt the peace and everything falls apart for an equal or longer period than they were peaceful? Is it exceptionally hard to come back from the down part of this cycle?

• Am I often subjected to stonewalling or “the silent treatment”?

• Is sex used as currency within my relationship? Is my experience during sex considered to be as important as my partner’s experience?

• Do I sometimes think about taking my own life because my relationship is so painful?

If you see a reflection of yourself in several of these questions or find yourself struggling to answer them, or perhaps even trying to justify or rationalize your answers, I hate to be the bearer of bad news— but you’re in trouble.

And if that is true, I want to tell you something. It doesn’t have to be like this.

You may never have seen a single example of a healthy, loving relationship in your life, but they exist. You may never have met someone with emotional intelligence who does not reenact their childhood trauma in their adult relationships or if they do, they try to understand why and choose different modes of expression and coping, but they exist. You may never have experienced yourself in a safe and secure partnership that is also not a reenactment of your own childhood trauma, but the possibility of that version of you exists too. But, and this is a big but, you will never find people like this or the best version of yourself while you remain trapped in dysfunction.

There are all kinds of reasons people stay in relationships they shouldn’t be in. I have done it myself, and the old “why don’t you just leave” vibe that I got from other people didn’t help me at all. Of those reasons, I would say that unresolved attachment and self-esteem issues, trauma bonding, and financial dependence are the top three. The good news is, that all of these issues can be improved upon with support. To begin, educate yourself, reach out for help professional or otherwise, and start believing in unicorns… or at least very pretty horses.

• Am I often told or is it implied that I am selfish, unintelligent, or incompetent? 

• Are holidays, birthdays, and other special events often ruined by the behavior of my partner or would they be if I did not carefully manage them?

• Am I made to feel as if my basic needs for connection and communication with my partner or my family and friends, or even for things like transportation, clothing, or food are burdensome or inappropriate? 

• Do I feel trapped financially or by other circumstances/responsibilities such as children or aging parents? If I didn’t feel that way, would I still be with the person I am with?

• Can I observe a cycle during which things are comparatively good with my partner until something inevitably happens to disrupt the peace and everything falls apart for an equal or longer period than they were peaceful? Is it exceptionally hard to come back from the down part of this cycle? 

• Am I often subjected to stonewalling or “the silent treatment”?

• Is sex used as currency within my relationship? Is my experience during sex considered to be as important as my partner’s experience?

• Do I sometimes think about taking my own life because my relationship is so painful?

If you see a reflection of yourself in several of these questions or find yourself struggling to answer them, or perhaps even trying to justify or rationalize your answers, I hate to be the bearer of bad news— but you’re in trouble. 

And if that is true, I want to tell you something. It doesn’t have to be like this. 

You may never have seen a single example of a healthy, loving relationship in your life, but they exist. You may never have met someone with emotional intelligence who does not reenact their childhood trauma in their adult relationships or if they do, they try to understand why and choose different modes of expression and coping, but they exist. You may never have experienced yourself in a safe and secure partnership that is also not a reenactment of your own childhood trauma, but the possibility of that version of you exists too. But, and this is a big but, you will never find people like this or the best version of yourself while you remain trapped in dysfunction. 

There are all kinds of reasons people stay in relationships they shouldn’t be in. I have done it myself, and the old “why don’t you just leave” vibe that I got from other people didn’t help me at all. Of those reasons, I would say that unresolved attachment and self-esteem issues, trauma bonding, and financial dependence are the top three. The good news is, that all of these issues can be improved upon with support. To begin, educate yourself, reach out for help professional or otherwise, and start believing in unicorns… or at least very pretty horses.